Is arguing a signal that your marriage is on the rocks?
When a couple form a relationship, it is usually a time of agreement, happiness and fun.
The decisions made are quite simple .. ”Where shall we go for dinner?” Which movie shall we watch? … and harmony prevails.
After this honeymoon period of a relationship, most couples, to their surprise, find things about their partner that are irritating …. and disagreements start to occur. The first argument may come as a shock, but usually it is minor and the make up can be fun.
But sometimes, as your relationship evolves, more disagreements will occur.
You may feel that love has dwindled and also that your relationship is failing.
How can you stop fighting in your marriage?
Life together means obligations and commitments to work, family, friends and here your views will not always coincide.
Also, there are stresses that can put you on edge. So disagreements will sometimes flare into arguments.
There are differences of opinion and differences emerge in how each of you deals with the daily humdrum of life. You both have independent thoughts and feelings and these are sure to clash at some point.
If you think that a conflict free relationship is how things will be in your relationship, you are in for a shock.
Finding out about each other, the parts where you are in harmony and those where you disagree is necessary in the development of your relationship for the long term. Disagreements are an indicator that your partnership is growing. A relationship that doesn’t challenge your perceptions and broaden your thinking is not deepening.
Arguments are a way of bringing your diverse views out into the open for discussion.
However, how you argue is important. This is a better indicator of the
strength and validity of your marriage.
What are your arguments about?
Do certain topics come up again and again?
How are they resolved? Do you negotiate an agreement or do you go off in anger. Is there name calling and personal attack? Is there compromise? Are your arguments productive?
The answers to these questions indicate the strength of your relationship.
If at the end of a disagreement you go off in anger or hurt, you need to talk to each other and set some rules to stop fighting in your marriage.
Start with the knowledge that every disagreement you have is a chance to learn about each other and that your arguments are stepping stones in your quest for greater understanding and appreciation of each other. However, when you are in the middle of a disagreement, emotions can cloud common sense.
A few basic ground rules are helpful.
- Avoid abusive language
- Have a time out signal when either one of you can call a halt
- Allow each of you a turn to speak
- Agree to disagree if necessary
Some arguments have no resolution other than acceptance and one way to defuse a heated situation and stop fighting in your marriage is to simply apologise.
Apologizing doesn’t mean that you are wrong or right, it simply means that it’s more important for you to lose an argument than to lose your partner over a disagreement that really is not that important.
Disagreement and arguing should be seen as the emotional investment both of you place in your marriage and your future and simply a necessary tool for the ongoing development of your relationship.