Anandi Peters

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Should You Stay Together or Consider a Separation?

marriage or separationTying the knot of matrimony is a big and joyous step in every relationship.

Remember those words “to love and cherish in sickness and in health forever.”

Yet in a half of all marriages, rather than stay together, they end up with separation.

If you’re going through marriage difficulties and considering separation, here’s some very important marriage advice regarding divorce for you.

Think long and hard before you act.

To stay together and save a marriage takes hard work and effort… counseling, therapy, discussion of who did what, and why, and how to move forward…. and if you are at the beginning of this process you may feel that it is all too hard.

Separation seems so much simpler; sign a few papers, split your stuff and move on .

Divorce may seem to be the only answer… a quick way to put an end to the tension, the arguing and fighting.

In a perfect world, you may have both decided that you are incompatible and have agreed on a split of your assets.

Move out, lodge the paperwork, wait and then move on and start a new life.

In our all too human world however, things are rarely that simple.
You both feel as if you have been treated badly. You have anger and harbour resent. You feel you deserve a fair deal, so you go to the “justice system”.

Before you start on that twisted and tortuous path, consider the pros and the cons of your decision.divorce

The pro is you have made a terrible mistake.

Your chosen lifetime partner has turned out to be a selfish, lazy, inconsiderate, wasteful, slothful abuser.

Get out as fast as you can!

Give back all the wedding gifts and count your blessings!

Usually, however, your relationship deteriorates slowly over the years. Marriage issues build up and you both become critical of each other. Resent is allowed to fester. If your relationship is not a loving one in which open communication is regularly practised, rather than trying to stay together, you will consider divorce and a new start.

Before you make that decision, here are  5 cons to consider.

Court costs and lawyer fees

Lawyers’ fees for petitioning and processing a divorce are frightening especially if you are contesting. You will be lulled into thinking that fairness and justice will prevail.  Sadly, many couples find that after arguing through lawyers and courtrooms, there is little left in the way of assets to separate and share!

In their quest to get what they believed they deserved, the bulk of their settlement went towards paying protracted legal fees.

 The cost of living after divorce

You will be surprised to learn that a man’s standard of living decreases by about 40% and a woman’s by about 70% after divorce. “Two can live as cheaply as one.” they say. Living together reduces costs significantly. Costs such as utility charges, rent, food and transport are shared. Once apart you will have to cope with the added stress of making ends meet.

Effects on your children

If you have children, they will suffer too. Not only the stresses of their parental dissension but now the questions of custody. Kids need and thrive on security. Deciding who lives where and when, dividing children’s things between homes, managing your own life as well as childrens’ sports practises and other interests always leaves emotional scars on the little ones. For a single parent, all of this takes on a new significance.

Loss of friends

After your divorce, your friends will be put in the situation of choosing sides. Women tend to make stronger connections with others so as a male you may find that friends that you thought would stick by you no longer call or drop by, and have increasingly busy lives that no longer include you. True friendship develops over years, so finding new friends to share your highs and lows with is not a simple process.

 Emotional cost

Scars will be left after a marriage separation. You will experience a lot of pain and sorrow and freeing yourself of this can take years.

The harsh reality of marital separation is that there are so many couples who wish they had spent a little more effort on reconciliation and a lot less on recrimination.

Take separation off the table as an option.

You can’t change the past, or how you and your spouse are feeling about your relationship at the moment, but you can change your future.

You don’t have to become a divorce statistic.

If you want to, you can avoid separation, stay together and strengthen your marriage bonds and change your future for the better.

Start by making an honest commitment to each other and your marriage.


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